Playground Fight: TPL vs. Me, an Interview

Bio: Thomas Patrick Levy doesn’t give a shit about brief, third-person biographical statements. For more information visit him here.

ME: Don’t you think it’s a little pretentious going by Thomas Patrick Levy? Why not Thomas Levy or T.P. Levy or even Thomas Patrick, and then everyone can be like, Did you read that cool new prose poem by that dude with the two first names?

TPL: It is extremely pretentious. But there are reasons. By reasons of course I mean justifications. Reason number one goes like this. Open your web browser and please for fucks sake use CHROME or FIREFOX or SAFARI. Internet Explorer is a piece of fucking shit. I can explain this in greater detail but first open your browser and point it towards Google and then type in the words Thomas Levy. Some DOCTOR will appear. He studies the effects of intravenous Vitamin C on the human immune system. Or something. That’s really kind of humane and interesting of him. I can’t compete with that, can you? Now when you’re done reading about Dr. Thomas E. Levy try searching for my pretentious name, Thomas Patrick Levy. This has been reason number one. You see? Reason number two is that I had at various points in my “career” attempted to go by more interesting, or less pretentious names. One of them was T. Patrick Levy. I don’t recall if I ever published anything by this moniker. Another variation was Thomas P. Levy. Another was tpm levy. That’s right. I added an M. I didn’t use periods. This seemed the most pretentious of all variations to me. What does the M stand for? Fuck you. Reason number three is that Patrick is really a pretty badass name. I like it a lot. My facial hair is red. This matches the name Patrick. Reason number four is that I used to be extremely self-conscious about my middle name. I was self-conscious about in the same way that any children are. It was a secret that you never revealed and when other children found out about your secret they ridiculed you for it. This was a high class problem. This hasn’t really been a reason but a kind of story. The real reason number four is this: Thomas Patrick would be dope. But I didn’t think of it and it’s too late to change my name. [Ed. Note: this answer was way too long to read, so I didn't]

ME: Do you think your answer to question #1 was good?

TPL: Oh yes it certainly was. You see my answer was so good that I will paraphrase it in one sentence here: I changed my mind. I read through the rest of these questions instead of paraphrasing my answer to number one and now I am thinking THESE QUESTIONS ARE TOO HARD. What I want is easier questions and I just asked you for easier questions and you said “No, i am an awesome interviewer. deal with it.” So I am dealing but the truth is there was this interview on your blog the other day that I skimmed. I told you I read it and that was sort of a lie. I read parts of it. I had a few chuckles. Chuckles are pretty dope. You see the paraphrased sentence is this: Thomas Patrick Levy is a great name and you Gregory Sherl should stop being jealous of my syllables. I don’t know what the middle section of this answer is about. It is an admission of guilt and god it feels good to have admitted that I only skimmed that interview on your blog the other day. Honesty is so sexy. It makes me want to remove my shirt but I will not remove my shirt because if I do that your chest hair will whither with fear. More on this later.

ME: Is it weird not being me?

TPL: What you mean to say is how weird it would it be if there was two of me. Not of you, of me. There is only one of me, however. One Thomas Patrick Levy. One pretentious name. Go ahead and try to make your name sound as dope as mine. It is weird. That’s about the only thing I know. I do sometimes think IF I WAS GREGORY SHERL AND NOT THOMAS PATRICK LEVY THEN I WOULD HAVE THE SECOND BEST CHEST HAIR IN THE COUNTRY. At other times I think THIS INTERVIEW DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE.

ME: How does it feel having the second best chest hair in the country? (This question implies me having the best chest hair in the country, which is factual.)

TPL: This is the “more” I spoke of in answer number two. My initial answer goes like this: I would not know. The rest of the answer then goes like this: As nearly as I can tell we have not yet had the official chest hair competition. I am confident in the breadth and strength of my chest hair. I can say that if my chest hair and your chest hair were children on a playground my chest hair would be the disturbed child that stole a knife from his father’s work bench and threatened the other child with it. You see what I am saying? There really is not contest. I spelled it out for you in that last sentence. There is no contest. Let me explain with a different example. If my chest hair and your chest hair were participants in a chicken fight my chest hair would drive its car right off the cliff and stay inside. You may think this would mean your chest hair would win, but really, my chest hair would be standing behind you after you dusted yourself off. When you turned around my chest hair would push your chest hair off the cliff.

ME: I haven’t read your chapbook, but it’s quite pretty. Do you think Scarlett Johansson has read it? Why is her last name so hard to spell? Did you feel creepy writing the book? Are you waiting for that restraining order?

TPL: I feel creepy as fuck. But not because I wrote a chapbook called Please Don’t Leave Me Scarlett Johansson. Thank you for not reading my chapbook, by the way. You see she will probably never read my chapbook either. One editor told me something about having committed “celebrity worship.” I suppose this means that writers are not supposed to or allowed to be infatuated with the incredibly sexy people on the television, but the thing is mostly I watch a lot of fucking television. Right now there is a totally hot picture of Scarlett on my computer’s desktop. I slid the word doc over so I could look at her better. JA Tyler said something about this chapbook being the love song of a stalker. I think. Really I’m okay with this. I would like to take this opportunity to thank JA Tyler for this compliment. I don’t think I have thanked him yet. THANK YOU FOR THE BLURB JA TYLER. And lastly it is not conjecture that her last name is hard to spell. I have no idea why. It might be because her person is overwhelming. I am thinking another thing though. You should read my chapbook you lazy ass. Btw, Tyler Gobble read my chapbook. He wrote this bitchin review-of-sorts on the Vouched blog. Everyone else that has read my book that is not Gregory Sherl should email me at thomasplevy@gmail.com and tell me things about it. Hatemail is also appreciated. I am going to do something very fun with all of these emails. Just wait.

ME: We’ve published a lot of poems in the same journals. Would you say that your poems are better than mine, or do you read your poems and then my poems and get a little sad?

TPL:

As a rule, I don’t read your poems.

ME: You repo-ed cars for a living (or used to). Were you ever shot at? Did your life ever flash before your eyes like a TV movie? Did you whisper my name quietly?

TPL: I recently QUIT MY JOB in order to be a more irresponsible person. It feels great. I now support myself, sort of, entirely by designing websites and eBooks. <! — BEGIN SHAMELESS SELF PROMOTION –>CURRENTLY I’m working with YesYes Books, (http://yesyesbooks.com) designing eBooks and a host of websites for the various projects we have going on over there. PEOPLE OUGHT TO VISIT THIS SITE. Some facts about YesYes Books. YesYes Books released Heavy Petting by Gregory Sherl on September 15, 2011. This book is a monster. Buy it. YesYes Books published my creepy chapbook, Please Don’t Leave Me Scarlett Johansson. Buy it. And, in November, YesYes Books will be releasing Nate Slawson’s sexy-as-fuck book, Panic Attack, USA. You will pre-order that next month, probably.<!– END SELF PROMOTION–> So the thing about repossessing cars is that it’s actually pretty boring. Mostly you drive around a lot and make u-turns and yell at that awful voice a Garmin GPS system makes. That said there is some excitement. Sometimes you get to climb over/under fences. There is a lot of sneaking into underground parking structures. Playing with automated gate systems. Arguing with security guards. Outsmarting locks. The whole business is a contradiction. It’s interesting and it’s absolutely nothing like any of the TV shows. Generally we’re pretty respectable individuals. Mostly when you repossess some one’s car they knew you were coming and they don’t try to fight the inevitable. There are a lot of secrets. I never whispered your name. Usually I whisper KEVIN TOUCH ME PLEASE.

ME: You were just recently engaged. Congratulations! There’s no question here.

TPL:

ME: Should I get a haircut soon? Also, I’m growing out my beard. I hear the “terrorist chic” look is in, but I don’t know if I’m ready for something so bold. Thoughts?

TPL: The TERRORIST CHIC is a lie. Check this out:

These I think might be the only acceptable terrorist hair cuts. If I were you I would go with the haircut on the top right. I would consider this haircut both MYSTERIOUS and PROFESSIONAL. These are the two greatest assets of THE GREGORY SHERL PERSON. And THE GREGORY SHERL PERSON is the look we’re all going for. Except, of course, those of us with a respectable amount of chest hair. We have a separate chart of acceptable haircuts. One day I can show this chart to you. As you look upon the chart on that day you will melt in a way, you will melt and then look up at me as a sort of puddle and whisper YOUR CHESTHAIR HAS DESTROYED ME AGAIN.

ME: Are you thinking about Muumuu House right now, too?

TPL: I think about Muumuu house about once per day. You have fucked me. I will now not be able to think about Muumuu house later in the day during my scheduled MUUMUU HOUSE MEDITATION PERIOD. I am actually sort of a fan of Tao Lin though. I would never tell him that and I need you to do me a huge favor. Fly to New York right this moment. Find Tao Lin. Have Kat Dixon distract him. She only has to distract him for a few minutes. [Ed. Note: my next book will be called Please Don't Leave Me Kat Dixon] Tell her she can use any method of distraction at her disposal. [Ed. Note: no she can't] I suggest using the MY HAIR IS MOVING IN THE WIND LIKE THE BRANCHES OF A WILLOW TREE method. Especially since right now the weather in New York will be brisk. Bring hooded sweatshirts. This method will work as well as or better than the MY HOODED SWEATSHIRT IS A PLAIN HOODED SWEATSHIRT FROM AMERICAN APPAREL method. Since the weather, as I said, will be brisk, she may perhaps decide to couple these methods together for the ultimate distraction. Ultimately the DISTRACTION METHOD is entirely up to her. Prior to the beginning of distraction READY YOUR CAMERA PHONE. Now this is what you must do: while Tao Lin is distracted you must sit down at the cafe table and point the Safari web-browser on his Apple MacBook Pro towards this. That website will produce a number on the screen. PHOTOGRAPH THIS NUMBER WITH YOUR CAMERA PHONE. Now fly back to Boca Raton, FL. Add the number you photographed to the BLOCK LIST via your wordpress admin control panel. Now you have done this thing because I read Tao Lin books very guiltily. I don’t want people to know that I enjoy reading Tao Lin books in the same way that someone might enjoy reading a trade-paperback. Actually, the book about shoplifting was just okay. I really enjoyed the one with a lot of E’s in it though. That was a lot of fun. How was your trip?

ME: Which one of us would be the big spoon?

TPL: I would be the chef’s knife and you would be the spoon they give you when you order a shot of espresso. I mean this in sexiest way possible, of course.

ME: There is a Mitch Hedberg joke that takes place during an interview. The interviewer says to Mitch, Where do you see yourself in five years? and Mitch responds with, Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question. (It’s funny, I promise.) But I would like to know where you see yourself in five years? Maybe ten?

TPL: There is no time travel. I cannot accurately tell you where I see myself. In five years lets have another interview. In this interview I will attempt to recount the five years from the date of this interview until the date of that interview. At that point in time there will most likely be a serious method of TIME TRAVEL available to the general public and since we are members of the INCREDIBLE PUBLIC we will be able to time travel regularly, as for vacations and such. At the conclusion of that interview I will time travel back to this day and replace this answer with the answers from the hypothetical future-interview. Does this feel like an acceptable solution? Does this seem like an acceptable place to end the interview?